19/2/2017 1 Comment mama mayhemSo the past couple months have been pretty hectic around here. I have been pretty overwhelmed and the days have been so long. The start of this year has gone a little differently to how we both imagined it and we have already made lots of changes and adjustments to what we originally had planned. Adam is working 60+ hour weeks and on top of that doing his Builders course at TAFE 2 nights a week; they apparently call this course the 'divorce course' because of the extra work and time away from family that it takes up. Yep its super annoying but despite how tough it is having to adjust to the new routine I am super proud of him, his success, dedication and the determination he possesses for us. This newest change in our lifestyle hasn't been easy for either of us. Our conversations have been running a little low he is exhausted and I am exhausted, time together has been sparse and not of the greatest quality which has been difficult for me because I need my daily dosage of my chirpy Adam to keep me sane. Atticus' sleeping turned to shit about a month ago and then he started to chuck tantrums literally like a toddler unless he was attached to me all day and night, the days were becoming such a challenge, some days he would accumulate 30 mins day time sleep (on me) and then I would be up every couple of hours during the night again, his first tooth is also making an appearance which also adds to the chaos. Each night when my head hit that pillow my mind was still buzzing and very loud and I was dreading the next day, I was loosing interest in things that I liked doing like writing/ reading/researching/ socialising, I couldnt tell you what the outside of my house looked like, I was forgetting to eat, my patience was wearing thin, I was getting easily frustrated, was running off no energy and the lack of sleep I was getting was leaving me feeling incredibly wild throughout the day. It's crazy how much time especially lack of self time, sleep time, quality relationship time etc can affect how you function on a whole. Adam has been under the pump as well but you wouldn't know it with his graceful and poised usual self. He has to meet work demands, additional study demands, husband demands, daddy demands and financial demands leaving himself also wearing thin but even with it all he still manages to have the strength to hold us all up. Come to think of it I actually have never seen the guy in an overwhelmed state unlike my frazzled self. As a mama we get so so used to over exerting ourselves and leaving ourselves on the bottom of the priority list and the guilt we feel for even thinking of ourselves and a time out is so very real. I was missing adult interaction, Adam, I was missing being able to work, I had no idea how I was gonna tackle study, I was missing my past freedom and a vivid night life and I was honestly thinking how the F am I gonna keep doing this, I am going crazy. I'm okay- I was just having a moment that lasted a couple of weeks and a hard time adjusting to everything. I admit I am so shit at finding balance because everything is constantly changing. Single mums and mums of multiples, I'm baffled, I HAVE NO IDEA HOW YOU DO IT. I do not feel like I am giving anything 100% especially not Atticus (Feel like a super shitty person to say this). Every night I go to bed with the perfect plan for the next day which kind goes like this... You will make it outside that front door and embrace that fresh air, You will put on clothes and brush your hair, you will be patient with Atticus and enjoy spending quality time with him and NO distractions while you teach him educational things, dont worry about the cleaning when Atti is napping that can be done later when Adams home, try and get an hour of uni done, read a bit of my book, make sure Atticus has a nutritious food and that dinner is done when Adams home, spend quality time with Adam while Atticus is in bed for the night etc.... Reality is... Wake up, not bother with any clothes, tighten the knot on my head into its daily place, lie on the floor surrounded by toys and get smashed in the face with plastic fruit and make crumb angels on the floor with the left over crumbs from Atticus' meals, have an anxiety attack by looking at the mess and household things to do, try and get cleaning done and rewash the wet stinky towels for the 5th time while Atticus whinges, decide you have had enough and its already time for his first nap, listen to him protest sleep, continue feeling like your getting everything done but your really sitting on the couch naked, in a daze with crumbs stuck to your ass, decide to study for 5 mins before extra exhaustion hits and Atticus wakes up and then hit replay until it's bedtime. Some days I feel like I have done everything and yet achieved nothing. This week THANKFULLY has got me feeling relief. We felt it was best for all of us that we started sleep training Atticus during the day/night time so I wasnt getting up multiple times a night so he could attach himself to my boob and fall back asleep while I was left struggling and merely getting back asleep before I was awoken again a couple hours later which just resulted in me lacking all energy throughout the day to deal with all the mama mayhem. There actually has been success and I am feeling a lot lighter already. I now have time and a bit more energy to do the things I need and want to do and Adam will be pleased to know that I actually got dressed today it may have been at 4pm but hey I am dressed. But now I am faced with a new feeling and I would be lying if it wasnt a "oh shit what did you just do" feeling and I am probably crazy for even admitting this but I am missing those multiple night time feeds that left me feeling like a crazy person come morning time and the cuddling and the relentless time spent rocking the wild child to sleep come bed time. Lol I'm still insane even when I am alot closer to sanity. But it's hard to accept that this little precious time in my long journey of mamahood is close to an end and that I have to face the fact that endorsed or not he will continuously become more capable without me and I will still feel overwhelmed and exhausted some days regardless of how well the day went.
1 Comment
Anonymous
3/11/2017 04:39:12 pm
Please start posting again Cassie! I miss reading your blog posts, I have gone and read them all back and they are helping me see what I am getting myself into with a little human of my own. Would love to hear your thoughts and how you are doing with another on the way Hope to be reading more of your writing soon :)
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