19/2/2017 1 Comment mama mayhemSo the past couple months have been pretty hectic around here. I have been pretty overwhelmed and the days have been so long. The start of this year has gone a little differently to how we both imagined it and we have already made lots of changes and adjustments to what we originally had planned. Adam is working 60+ hour weeks and on top of that doing his Builders course at TAFE 2 nights a week; they apparently call this course the 'divorce course' because of the extra work and time away from family that it takes up. Yep its super annoying but despite how tough it is having to adjust to the new routine I am super proud of him, his success, dedication and the determination he possesses for us. This newest change in our lifestyle hasn't been easy for either of us. Our conversations have been running a little low he is exhausted and I am exhausted, time together has been sparse and not of the greatest quality which has been difficult for me because I need my daily dosage of my chirpy Adam to keep me sane. Atticus' sleeping turned to shit about a month ago and then he started to chuck tantrums literally like a toddler unless he was attached to me all day and night, the days were becoming such a challenge, some days he would accumulate 30 mins day time sleep (on me) and then I would be up every couple of hours during the night again, his first tooth is also making an appearance which also adds to the chaos. Each night when my head hit that pillow my mind was still buzzing and very loud and I was dreading the next day, I was loosing interest in things that I liked doing like writing/ reading/researching/ socialising, I couldnt tell you what the outside of my house looked like, I was forgetting to eat, my patience was wearing thin, I was getting easily frustrated, was running off no energy and the lack of sleep I was getting was leaving me feeling incredibly wild throughout the day. It's crazy how much time especially lack of self time, sleep time, quality relationship time etc can affect how you function on a whole. Adam has been under the pump as well but you wouldn't know it with his graceful and poised usual self. He has to meet work demands, additional study demands, husband demands, daddy demands and financial demands leaving himself also wearing thin but even with it all he still manages to have the strength to hold us all up. Come to think of it I actually have never seen the guy in an overwhelmed state unlike my frazzled self. As a mama we get so so used to over exerting ourselves and leaving ourselves on the bottom of the priority list and the guilt we feel for even thinking of ourselves and a time out is so very real. I was missing adult interaction, Adam, I was missing being able to work, I had no idea how I was gonna tackle study, I was missing my past freedom and a vivid night life and I was honestly thinking how the F am I gonna keep doing this, I am going crazy. I'm okay- I was just having a moment that lasted a couple of weeks and a hard time adjusting to everything. I admit I am so shit at finding balance because everything is constantly changing. Single mums and mums of multiples, I'm baffled, I HAVE NO IDEA HOW YOU DO IT. I do not feel like I am giving anything 100% especially not Atticus (Feel like a super shitty person to say this). Every night I go to bed with the perfect plan for the next day which kind goes like this... You will make it outside that front door and embrace that fresh air, You will put on clothes and brush your hair, you will be patient with Atticus and enjoy spending quality time with him and NO distractions while you teach him educational things, dont worry about the cleaning when Atti is napping that can be done later when Adams home, try and get an hour of uni done, read a bit of my book, make sure Atticus has a nutritious food and that dinner is done when Adams home, spend quality time with Adam while Atticus is in bed for the night etc.... Reality is... Wake up, not bother with any clothes, tighten the knot on my head into its daily place, lie on the floor surrounded by toys and get smashed in the face with plastic fruit and make crumb angels on the floor with the left over crumbs from Atticus' meals, have an anxiety attack by looking at the mess and household things to do, try and get cleaning done and rewash the wet stinky towels for the 5th time while Atticus whinges, decide you have had enough and its already time for his first nap, listen to him protest sleep, continue feeling like your getting everything done but your really sitting on the couch naked, in a daze with crumbs stuck to your ass, decide to study for 5 mins before extra exhaustion hits and Atticus wakes up and then hit replay until it's bedtime. Some days I feel like I have done everything and yet achieved nothing. This week THANKFULLY has got me feeling relief. We felt it was best for all of us that we started sleep training Atticus during the day/night time so I wasnt getting up multiple times a night so he could attach himself to my boob and fall back asleep while I was left struggling and merely getting back asleep before I was awoken again a couple hours later which just resulted in me lacking all energy throughout the day to deal with all the mama mayhem. There actually has been success and I am feeling a lot lighter already. I now have time and a bit more energy to do the things I need and want to do and Adam will be pleased to know that I actually got dressed today it may have been at 4pm but hey I am dressed. But now I am faced with a new feeling and I would be lying if it wasnt a "oh shit what did you just do" feeling and I am probably crazy for even admitting this but I am missing those multiple night time feeds that left me feeling like a crazy person come morning time and the cuddling and the relentless time spent rocking the wild child to sleep come bed time. Lol I'm still insane even when I am alot closer to sanity. But it's hard to accept that this little precious time in my long journey of mamahood is close to an end and that I have to face the fact that endorsed or not he will continuously become more capable without me and I will still feel overwhelmed and exhausted some days regardless of how well the day went.
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30/1/2017 0 Comments Our teenage love story/ proposalStarting the Love month off by sharing our teenage love story including our proposal story since I haven't yet already done it..
28/1/2017 0 Comments HAPPY HALF BIRTHDAY6 MONTHS YOUNG When I found out I was pregnant I hoped it would be a boy plus everything in me believed I was carrying a baby boy. I couldnt see myself as a first time mum with a daughter, I’m not sure why I just couldn’t. At our 12 week scan we asked the sonographer if she could tell the gender even though it was too early to really be 100%. She told us she was pretty sure we were having a boy but not to hold her to it until we had our 20 week scan. I didn’t need it to be reconfirmed at 20 weeks everything in me already told me that I had my Atti. Adam and I have had our baby names picked out since we were about 16 years old and overtime we erased some from the list and added some- Atticus was not on the list. It was on our honey moon in LA when I was 13 weeks pregnant and still not actually 100% sure that I was having a boy that I started to call our baby Atti. Adam didn’t like it and had to keep telling me to stop getting my hopes up in case ‘he’ was actually a ‘she’. It wasnt until we came home and I made him watch the black and white movie ‘To Kill a Mockingbird’ that the name Atticus grew on him and that yes our baby was confirmed a boy. All the above may seem irrelevant to my ‘Happy half birthday’ post but for me knowing the gender and the name of my baby before he was earth side was incredibly momentous to me as it was those two things that helped me build the connection that I have with my son today. Atticus is now 6 months old, which to some may also not seem so significant but is very significant to me. So many profound things have happened since Atticus came into the world. The 28th of July 2016 is the day where I finally felt at peace with my life, not actually during labour that was the most far from a peaceful experience I’ve ever had but approximately 10.42pm the minute after he was born I felt overcome with utter peace. 6 months of pregnancy is actually equivalent to 456 years, 6 months of Atticus earth side feels like 1 week and it has gone so dam quickly. Oh baby boy, The night that you graced us with your presence was an awakening. An awakening of intense emotion and feelings. I have never felt pain and fear as intensely as I did that night bringing you into this world, that experience challenged me to my core but I have never felt love as deeply as I have when I first laid eyes on you and then on your dad. I was awakened with appreciation for my mum who witnessed your birth as I have no idea how she gave birth 5 times and I had no idea how much she loved me and my siblings until I had you in my arms. I was awakened with gratitude with your perfect health and my perfect health and not one complication. I was awakened with a new perception of the world around me and thankfulness. I was awakened with purpose and I was awakened with new confidence and sensitivity. That night divine light gushed into my life and my heart fully blossomed. Even though there are those days where I feel like I am barely functioning on a whole I am more alive then I ever have been, I feel more connected than I ever have and I have been transformed with intuition. Becoming your mum has started me on a purposeful life journey of selfless devotion and everyday I am enriched with the miracle of life when I look at you. Over the past six months I have felt you grow in my arms, getting heavy quickly, no longer can I smoothly bundle you up for cuddles without limbs flying everywhere and lots of squirming and no longer will you fall asleep when nestled up on my chest, no longer are my days quiet and slow and no longer can I peacefully breastfeed you without you being distracted or you biting me. Every stage has had its challenges and some days are just too much and I feel drained, these days it’s not as easy as comfort feeding you or embracing you tightly to soothe you- your personality is coming through, your learning and taking so much in everyday that I understand it can be frustrating when I don’t get it right so quickly anymore. I still watch you when you sleep risking you waking up just so I can watch your content little face rest so quietly and peacefully and watch your perfect little lips suck instinctively as if you were still attached to me and I love sneaking you back into our bed in the morning so I can be graced with your big smile as soon as I open my eyes. You are becoming your own little person, with you im learning your likes, dislikes and new ways of communicating. Some days you got me going crazy trying to figure it all out. Your not as chilled out as I thought you would be, you can have a temper of a toddler and someday’s you are just one wild child making berserk loud noises and squeals and having everyone in the shopping center wondering what little rascal that noise is coming from- you are definately larger than life baby boy. You love company and being around people even if its just for you to observe them with your serious face or for you to talk their ears off and pull at their faces or hair, you are obsessed with your Daddy and after a whole day with me there is nothing more exciting for you then seeing him walk through the door, you would much rather be held then be in your pram because the view from our arms is always much better but even so you still demonstrate your independence as now you prefer to feed yourself rather than be spoon-fed, you are becoming a handful when we go out to cafes constantly trying to grab food and at one point had dad wearing my carrot juice. I have a love hate relationship with how quickly you have grown and developed. These days you roll all over the house, you are trying to crawl, you look when we call your name, you sit up, you give us high fives and are learning to clap (Well when I clap you slap your leg as if to clap but you haven’t figured out it requires two hands), you watch where I put things that I confiscate from your grasp and continue to sought out for it, I watch you discover your own cause and affect and marvel over how an object has two different sides, I have heard your sweet little voice cry mama and babble dada, you have such an inquisitive and curious soul with a love of being outside and you most definately are a boy of the the ocean. Another thing that I am feeling so fortunate about is making it to 6 months of breastfeeding you, you will never understand the physicality of such a task but it isn’t an easy one. Not that you would particularly want to know but our initial stages of breastfeeding was filled with pain, it hurt so bad but I stuck it through to see your legs and arms form those oh so cute chubby rolls and for that extra connection it promised and delivered. The demands of breastfeeding meant that some of my only chances of ‘me time’ had to be passed off , it also meant attachment on a whole other level- it was those quiet breastfeeding moments that I was reminded how much you needed me and relied on me not just for nourishment but for a comfort that nothing or no one else could provide for you. Now we are going through different challenges and hurdles you like to bite with you teeth less gums that have me dreading teeth, the busy body in you also gets very distracted and must know whats going on around you making a successful full feed very hard to accomplish and as much as I have loved our breastfeeding journey, challenges and all I would really love it if you went back to taking the bottle without the battle. The last 6 months hasn’t been plain sailing but without a doubt it has been the most amazing 6 months of our lives. We are so honored to have you, you have definately transformed and changed our lives forever but what a wonderful one you have created for us. Happy Half Birthday Atticus. 16/1/2017 0 Comments 1 year wedding anniversaryThe Sixteenth of Janurary On an overcast, wet and rainy summer's day in January, one year ago to be exact, we took each other to be husband and wife. We didn't follow tradition and not see each other the night before, we couldnt be apart no matter how much our friends tried, so we laid our heads on our pillows together the night before the big day with fire and excitement burning in our hearts and woke up the next day to find out Adam had basically lost his voice and had come down with a cold (which tends to happen when hes under stress ha ha !) The whole morning leading up to the big event I felt incredibly relaxed and calm despite the fact that the whole morning it poured down with rain and our ceremony was outdoors and only hours away. It was a day we had dreamt, visualised and 'pinterested' since we were 14 years old, a day we worked so hard for to make happen for just over a year and a day that couldnt have been any more perfect if we had tried. The weather cleared up only moments before I made my entrance down that isle, I remember thinking to myself 'do not cry' and 'holy shit so many people' as I took my younger brother by the arm as he walked me down the isle...actually it was more of a speed walk down the isle. Before I even made it to Adam I could feel a lump form in my throat and I knew I would start to cry, it was the looks of the purest form of happiness that were shown on the faces of my family that set me off, in particularly I remember the look on my older brother's face as we made eye contact on my way down. I then laid eyes on Adam waiting there all handsome and love struck who was also fighting the urge to break down in tears and it was then I felt completely consumed in love. We made promises to each other in front of all of our closest family in friends. Some of which I haven't been so successful with but I have a lifetime with you to keep working on them. I thought today I would revisit the promises we made to each other, posting them here in a space I created about our lives to reminisce, remind and to share them again with all of our friends and family new and old. Adam today I stand before you and everyone we love, taking you as my lawful wedded Husband. We have been dreaming of this day ever since we met and I still cant believe I have been given the greatest gift of you. From this day forward I promise to never stop dreaming with you, I promise to keep the kid in you alive, To always be down for you spontaneous adventures and to be a better sport when you want to watch NRL. I promise to support the man in you, to keep your heart wild and to always love your beard no matter the shape or length. I promise to never leave your head unscratched, your back untickled, to snuggle even when its uncomfortable and to always find us food no matter the circumstance. I promise to be faithful in times of trial, to celebrate with you in times of joy and to never leave you no matter what. I promise to give you grace and to fight for your heart with persistence. I promise to come along side you, to support you and to follow you wherever our lives may lead. I promise to always let you in and to fight battles together knowing that what yours is mine and mine is yours and I promise to love you unconditionally. I couldn't be more blessed to be able to call you mine for the rest of my life. I love you. Cassandra, I vow to make you laugh, and to make you smile I vow that we will live free and always dream wild I vow to hold you and protect you through the open seas and to bring you home safely when we travel overseas I vow to let nothing stand in our way I vow that we can do anything that we plan or we say I vow to make you feel special and woosy every single day And to treat you with respect in every single way I vow through the good and the bad To always be standing right beside you holding your hand To never let you go Even when the wrinkles start to show What we have is more then love Its something special brewed from above I vow to always listen and respond I vow that nothing will ever break this magical bond My beautiful bride My future My wife I vow all these things throughout our life Cassandra, today I stand before you and everyone we love, taking you as my lawful wedded wife. One year later and I must say I absolutely love and am so proud to be your wife. You continue to amaze me with your selfless and unconditional love, your endless patience, your high spirits, your constant encouragement and support and your wanting to put mine and Atticus' happiness above your own. I am beyond blessed to have a man who has been my rock, my mentor and my biggest cheerleader, to have someone who has loved me despite my wrongs and someone who continues to push me to be the better version of myself. Thank you for making me Atticus' mother and Thank you for being his father. I am so glad he has someone full of love, passion, happiness, drive, adventure and life to look up too and learn from. I promise to continue to promise working giving you more head scratches, back tickles and NRL game viewing. Here's to one absolutely amazing and memorable one year as husband and wife and many more rich years to come ♥ Love you lots xxx I've got 2 weeks worth of clean washing still sitting in a basket on the nursing chair in my room- I have to sit in it to feed Atticus at night time. The floors haven't been vacuumed in 3 days (that is HUGE for me). I have a duvet cover that's has depressingly hung on the line for two weeks in rain and shine without me claiming it, it needs another wash, maybe even 3 washes but you know what I cannot be stuffed to wash it again so im just going to throw it out. I've got poo smeared on the bed cover that's on my bed now, I'm yet to wash it because lord knows the fate of that bed cover too if I decide to wash it and hang it up. I'm lucky enough that I've got a spare room that actually hides all the mess (out of sight out of mind). That spare bedroom is also occasionally being used by Adam so he can muster up a couple more hours of decent sleep in the morning after Atticus sneaks in our bed (Well technically I sneak him in the bed but still if only I could clock off with an couple extra of hours). I've started online summer school which has probably escalated the post partum hair loss situation- not sure why I thought I could do 3 months worth of uni work in 4 weeks with a 6 month in my 24/7 care... even if he was baby sat I probs still wouldn't get anything done because I have to face the fact that I feel like my brain is mush now and this Sydney heat is definately not helping one bit. Someday's I'm so guilty of wanting to flick through my phone just a few minutes more rather than playing with my innocent mummy needing son. My new hair style is not just the ordinary mum bun its a deadlocked mum bun (with the scarce amount of hair that's left anyway). The past couple of days I have kind of been getting by in my underwear in hopes to save the washing pile from getting any bigger. Dinner is on the table pretty late these days and I dont even know why especially when there is both of us home to make it. These days I literally cant remember the one thing I needed when i'm at the shops. I've started to accept almost 6 months later that this constant hangover feeling is an every day thing. I also experience the spectrum of emotions on an hourly basis. Some days I feel like im being held hostage by a 7 something kg and a 60 something cm mini person and the minutes feel like hours.. this is when the delirium kicks in and you start to get all frustrated and start feeling deflated and you begin to wish time away but then there are some days when they smile or do something completely new and you think shit someone needs to take the batteries out of the clock. Someday's you drown in the 'to do's'. I've woken up two days this week completely confused as to what day it is. There are some days that motherhood can make you feel alone, sure you have a constant side kick and your always so busy playing, feeding, nappy changing, cleaning... but there are alot of days that being held hostage in your own house leaves you seething especially during a rough wonder weeks leap (dreaded by every mum out there).There are alot of days where Adult conversation doesn't exist, these are the days the baby attention seeking "mmmmmm" sounds burns holes in your brain. Those are the days you literally feel like your loosing your shit and you need a year long baby less holiday <<< funny that because before I had Atticus I used to think how could mums say that?, they cant love their child that much if they want to be without them.. So let me clarify.. while the thought of a one year baby less holiday seems wonderful I actually dont want to spent less than a second without him and I probably couldnt because mum guilt is a very powerful feeling. Lets be realistic also-I'm not sure how many mums use their babies nap time as 'me time' I definately dont.. I use that time to fist pump in the pitch black while I watch my child sleep or.... clean the house. I understand that to a baby less person motherhood may seem tedious and very boring, heck your probably whipping those condoms on faster then lightening or overdosing on the pill after the description I just gave but trust me it is far from boring. It is bloody hard work. It is an all consuming role. It definately can suck the absolute life out of you and your boobs. It is thankless. It's not all butterflies and rainbows. but you know what ? the sleepless nights, the shit covered doona covers, the constant loads of washing, the loneliness, the incredibly lonnng days, the lack of freedom, the constant headache you get from all the musical toys playing all day could never make me rethink having a baby or even adding a couple of more to the mix (only childbirth could do that) because mixed in with it all is an abundance of butterflies and rainbows. 8/1/2017 0 Comments quiet nightWe don't usually go out at night time these days because Atti goes to bed at 7pm and there is no way in hell we would willingly disturb that so unless we have a baby sitter or are out of our right mind and want to take the risk of dealing with an over tired crazy baby we usually spend our weekends at home and order in. On Saturday we planned to have a cute little afternoon picnic on a secluded little dock in our area but 7pm came round faster then we could of imagined, it was already Atticus' bedtime and we were smashed from too much sun during the day so we settled for Netflix and chill... the PG version. We managed to watch a full movie together 🙌🏽 while trying to enjoy the expensive soft cheeses Adam bought that really just tasted like the smell of old feet 😷. We both overdosed on ice magic and chocolate ice cream and spent the remainder of the night playing the 'never have I ever' game (non alcoholic version) in an attempt to discover things about each other we didn't already know but let's be real, we know each other way to well for that game to have any success or new discoveries. So we spent the remainder of the night literally talking each other's ears off. We reminisced on individual childhood memories- Adams are hilarious- he once wrote to the WWE recruiting manager asking how to become a wrestler, he also wrote to a gorilla in an American zoo and promised it a visit, he also persuaded his friend to sell their belongings on eBay and give him half the profit 😂.... We reminisced on our shared teenage memories like how we never owned phones like iPhones so we never had the distractions that we have today and how after spending the whole day together we both couldn't wait to MSN each other as soon as we got home, how we used to speak over the home phone, how we used to go for walks so late at night and lay on the beach for hours and we laughed over our rebellious teenage acts, we reminisced over the ups and downs over the last almost 7.5 years together, we spoke about our current ambitions and hopes, we confessed little secrets... well I confessed a couple like how I ate the donut that I bought for him as a treat the day before because I was stressed and then how I hid the paper bag under the couch cause what man is ever gonna look there 🙄, he told me what he prayed about for me which was sweet, we chatted about our dream travel destinations and the family we will grow... the list goes on and before we knew it it was 1am and we we had skipped dinner. I know 1am isn't that late for those babyless peeps but most mumma and daddies would be lucky to make it to 10pm on a weekend night. So being awake at 1am in beautiful sober conversation with your husband instead of stumbling around the house sleep drunk feeding a baby was pure magic. Sure there were a few yawns but we had just unintentionally spent the last few hours actually talking, flirting and dreaming together which I can't remember the last time we did that. Yes we engage in conversation everyday but most of that conversation is brief and lacks depth. Last night there was not one distraction. Everything was still, no baby, no phones, no stress, no where to be and no task to be done. It was a quiet night but at the same time it felt very lively. It was literally my dream Saturday night and something to make a note of. 1/1/2017 0 Comments new years resolutionsWe Just spent the last day of 2016 in the most perfect way, nestled up on a headland with the most amazing view of The Northern beaches, we ate cheese, olives and dip, Atticus drank milk and eyed off the salami. Adam started a New years eve tradition of making those iced arrowroot biscuits decorated with lolly snakes and m&m's. We ordered pizza for dinner and sat on the headland watching the sun set while we patiently waited for the 9pm fireworks. Atti stayed up with us to watch the sky light up and I have never seen anything sweeter than his little face watch in amazement. Now its time to make those New years resolutions. Last year I didn't have any, I had too much going on at the start of 2016 that I didn't even realise the year ticking over but 2016 ended up being a brilliant year for myself- it was the year I became a wife and mumma and the year I ended up actually learning to take a step back and to go with the flow, A year that couldn't have turned out any better even despite the lows. My new years resolution for 2015 was to read as many books as I could which was a nice but also unforsaken goal. I feel like the idea of New Years Resolutions loose their spark as early as the 2nd day of the new year when the fireworks of a fresh start fizzle out and we actually get real with ourselves and remember we actually gotta do life, our motivation then starts to dwindle and our plates start piling up with either food or the shit we gotta do to make it to the next new year which is kinda what it's been like over here since we finished school in 2013 (We literally haven't stopped). Statistics actually show that only 8% of people in 2016 actually achieved their New years goal which I dont actually find shocking to know. New Years resolutions basically just get recycled in hopes that maybe one year they might be achieved (Adam the sweet dedicated little perseverer he is starts his NY resolution again every month). Personally, I'm not really the greatest long term goal setter myself, It's easier for me to stay on track by focusing on daily goals with the possible successful stretch to a monthly outlook. However resolutions or not 2017 is looking pretty good by itself and like I said in a previous post last year (2016) defiantly set the bench mark for years to come. In 4 days I am attempting to chisel off on my degree again (Wish me luck). Adam will start his Builders course. In 16 days Adam and I will celebrate our one year wedding Anniversary (We have no plans as of yet but that will probably be figured out on the day). Adam's promotion he got at the end of last year will be in full swing and he has got some promising side jobs with the little business he created 'Lummy & Co Carpentry' (He busts his ass for our little family and is the hardest worker ever, gosh I love him). In Feb we get to see the 2nd Fifty Shades movie which we have been waiting a very long time for. In March we are tackling Cairns for a family trip- Doing the Great Barrier Reef and Atticus' first plane trip. Along side this we are looking forward to many many more low key family trips because we just bought a huge 4WD family car with a roof top tent. In April its Atti's first Easter and we will be welcoming a new little cousin for Atti. Something is bound to happen in May. In June I will be feeling 22 and Atti will be gaining another cousin. In July Adam will be feeling 22 and ATTICUS TURNS 1!!!. In August Adam and I will celebrate our 8 year Anniversary (Holy moly that sounds so long). September we maybe planning an overseas trip. October, November, December (Something will happen, probs more weekend trips, more chiseling off my degree if I can keep up and we may also be blessed with another little lummy....) We literally haven't stopped since we both finished school when our lives started to become busy busy busy and we actually had to start adulting and I have no reason to believe that this year will be any less busy but in saying that I hope it is a little quieter so we can enjoy lots of time as a family. Overall with this year in general I want to build off last year, I want to be able to smash out my last year of study, I want to break out of the Northern beaches bubble and go on camping trips on the weekends, I want to replenish the savings account, finish reading every single Jodi Picoult book in existence, soak up every single bit of precious time with my little man and big man, make more time for myself, I hope to stay healthy...I should probably drink more water and I want to continue making new friends and finally meet this one mumma that is freakishly my doppelganger that I met on Instagram. I also hope that 2017 brings peace to every inch of the earth, that people find intense felicity and that that 8% of people succeeding at their goals multiplies. 20/12/2016 0 Comments Violence isn’t a superpowerLast Friday I was absolutely devastated to hear and see what was going on over the other side to the world. I was faced with images of children and babies covered in dust and blood laying lifeless in the arms of rescuers, or hanging onto their life under the war rubble, I saw children absolutely distraught beyond words after watching their parents die and I saw parents tormented as they learn their children are no longer with them. I feel so guilty and ashamed to say that before Friday I had never even heard of Aleppo, let alone the extent of the horrific things that were taking place in Syria. I was sitting in the car next to Adam crying with a burning feeling in my throat as I scrolled through the images of these poor helpless children and babies and the torture these people were experiencing while my heart physically seized in pain for them. I kept asking Adam why?, to me nothing in this world is worth taking the lives of others especially innocent babies and children and I just dont see the point in causing so much heart ache and havoc. I literally was speechless and I just dont understand. I feel so much guilt and shame when I sat there scrolling through these horrendous images knowing that we will most likely never know their pain and that while they are over the other side of this world enduring the unimaginable, we were over here with our safe, happy babies, getting ready for Christmas and fretting over the worst of our problems, money. I feel sick every time I am faced with one of those images, my throat goes tight and my eyes automatically well up and I wish nothing more than their suffering to stop. Things like this make you feel powerless, no matter how much you want it to stop you feel like everything is beyond your control and the closest many of us will get to it is from what we learn through the media when another disastrous event takes place and our social media accounts are filled up with the distressing images of war struck children, people crippled with trauma and prayers. This morning I woke up with Aleppo on my mind and also learnt of the attack in Berlin that had just happened overnight. It’s so easy for us to turn the TV off, avoid the harsh realities of the latest news and push those horrible images out of our mind. It’s easy for us to forget what is happening to the millions of people around the world as we get so caught up in our own incomparable issues that really are incredibly insignificant on the scale. Its also easy to forget or not even realise that there is also so many other people and countries suffering around the world from war and genocide. “Of the past 3,400 years, humans have been entirely at peace of war for only 268 of them, or just 8 percent of recorded history”, It almost seems that we will never live in a world free of war and genocide. I have spent the morning reading, trying to understand some of the wars currently taking place but honestly no matter how much I try to understand and educate myself I am still confused with how people think that death, chaos and destruction is the answer. At the end of the day and as a citizen of the world its important to be aware of what is constantly going on around the world and to try and implement change starting with our children. We may feel hopeless and powerless against all these current wars around the world that are fueled by hate, revenge and greed but we all have the momentum and the power to educate our children and others and teach them love, acceptance, forgiveness and peace. If we dont try and educate our children, our little ones will grow up thinking that violence and revenge is the way to solve problems thus the cycle will keep going. Teaching our children meaningful virtues, conflict resolution skills and acceptance is the superpower for change. 8/12/2016 0 Comments 2016 in reviewI am a pretty anxious person so when I found out I was pregnant it put my whole world into a spin. I was incredibly excited but also very nervous. You never really know where life is gonna take you but any idea's I had got distorted and blurry pretty quickly. I was determined not to make my pregnancy change much in my life at the time so I continued with Uni up until I was early in my third trimester and I worked 30 hours a week up until 2 weeks before I gave birth, these two major things where also combined with alot of other stuff that was happening around me. Honestly, I didn't leave much time for myself in between everything either, I kept myself super busy and muddled up with everything which in hindsight was a big mistake. I had people all around me telling me to give it a break, I had Adam trying to calm every insecurity I felt for my future and I put too much pressure on myself to make sure everything was together. I was happy and excited but I was also drained and sometimes lost. So much is going on in your body just with pregnancy alone and I think I purposely made sure my plate was overfull so that I didn't have to face the fact that everything as I knew it really was going to change or come to terms with the fact that I had lost the reigns long ago. Pregnancy is a mystery, sometimes magical, sometimes cruel. Your not entirely sure physically, mentally and emotionally whats going on most of the time. Google provides some clarification that no that stabbing pain in your vagina isn't your baby with a samurai sword but is just common nerve pain and the only explanation you get for crying during the Telstra ad is hormones- which holds its validity throughout a women's entire lifespan. One day I felt on top of the world and the next day I would be barely functioning. In terms of being prepared... the only thing you can really prepare for is to getting rid off all the expectations and also the stuff you need to buy for the baby two things I think I did pretty well. You can have their wardrobe full of clothes, the cot set up, stockpiles of nappies ready to go and all the rest of the little bit and bobs that you have spent months researching about all in order but personally for me no amount of essential lists I pinned on pinterest, stories, articles or books I read, the prior personal experience I possessed or the classes I took could 100% prepare me for 1. The Birth and 2. The Baby. The night I gave birth Adam was able to stay with me until it was like 2am after that Adam and the nurses left me to rest with my brand new baby fast asleep in the hospital bassinet next to me. I was pretty anxious about being without Adam, I was swollen, could barely get myself off the bed, I was beginning the journey of exhaustion and I wasnt so sure what to do with Atticus. I didn't go to sleep straight away, I stared at Atticus, notified my friends and woke them up with a very detailed birth story and fought the urge to wee because I was too scared. I didn't know that Atticus needed to be fed every couple of hours, that I had to check his nappy or even that I was free to pick him up when I pleased so when he got grizzly in those early hours, I had no bloody clue what to do so I shh'd him and softly patted his tiny body back to sleep. It wasnt until the morning when I would wait for the nurse to place him back in my arms that she asked me about when he last fed or if I have checked his nappy. I probably looked at her a bit blankly so she ended up giving me a checklist so every feed and nappy change including all the finer details were documented. It was the second day I got the hang of things, the nurses were actually baffled at the fact that it was my first baby as apparently I seemed to be doing really well but all that was really happening was that I was starting to master a motherhood skill of 'winging it until it works' which has been working out very well for me. After 2 days I left that hospital waddling from being swollen and having to get used to walking with maternity pads the size of a surfboard in between my legs with Atticus bundled up in my arms. It was the most beautiful moment watching his face light up with the suns glow and christened with the earths crisp winter air when we left that building but at the same time I also felt homesick leaving the hospital as my life changed so dramatically in the space of hours there. Bringing him home was legit like preparing to warmly welcome a complete stranger into your home without the means of a detailed background check. It's funny, you initially know nothing about your baby, yes their name, their birth details and you now know the basic baby stuff like that they need a meal every couple of hours and that their nappy needs to be changed etc but really you dont know alot about them and it's through the trial and error game that you try and figure it all out. There is so much more to these little people then just the regular baby stuff and you quickly learn that just like you they are unique and individual and that they aren't the typical textbook baby. From birth they have individual preferences and characteristics that you quickly tune yourself into (like the fact Atticus hated normal baby lullabies and instead went for the hard and heavy music to get to sleep). I am so lucky Adam was with me every hour for the first 5 weeks of Atticus' life which buried alot of my pondering anxiety as I always had an extra set of hands and support especially when we were out and about. Since bringing Atti home I have noticed a complete change in myself I have let go alot especially the need to control things and I actually started to relax with myself especially when it came to my thoughts on where my life was heading. I finally felt at peace because there was no where more important for me to be then with Atticus. I feel alot less stressed, a ton happier and I have hardly cried since having Atticus and I think it goes to show that I am exactly where I need to be. Having a baby fills your plate and sometimes overfills your plate but its with all the good stuff and looking back during pregnancy I wasnt allowing myself to have that good stuff by trying to control my direction in life. I'm so glad I put Uni on hold and gave myself time to fully embrace being a mumma without all the added stress. I couldn't of ever imagined how rapidly Atticus would grow and I had no idea how quickly he would learn and flourish and go from a newborn to a baby in such a short amount of time but I am so relieved and thankful that I allowed myself to devote as much of myself to him in these first few months of his life and that at the end of the day it was a choice I made for myself. Looking back on this year it has been so full on. We got married and honeymooned, I was pregnant, working and studying, we lost a loved one, I brought Atti into the world and we became parents along with all the other little hiccups and festivities along the way and one we are so looking forward too- Atti's first Christmas and the start of our own family traditions. It has defiantly been the busiest, most trialing, happiest, intense and most exciting year of my life and so much goodness and prosperity has come from it all. I have learnt so much from hindsight (as you do), things have become so much clearer for me, I have grown as a person, I have made alot of new friends and I have finally figured out whats important and whats not. 2016 has definitely set a benchmark for years to come and with 2017 just a few weeks away I cannot wait to see what it unleashes for us. 22/11/2016 0 Comments 4 monthsThe happenings of 4 months I have survived !!!! only just… First month hands down was the easiest, second month had me shifting gears, the third month had me cranking my shit up a notch and here I am now at the start of Four months a bit more hairless, my mind buzzing with thousands of words of advice good and bad, craving 8 consecutive hours of sleep and desperately downloading the ‘Happy Mumma challenge’ (I’ll explain later). First off .. gosh I am so so blessed to have a super happy, chilled, healthy chubba of a bubba. I am so lucky to wake up every couple of hours during the night and receive those cheeky sleepy smiles from him, to be able to breastfeed him and to know that I gave him those cute little arm and leg rolls and the man boobies. I am so lucky to have a baby who has been in perfect health since day 1 of pregnancy, to have a baby that is thriving and learning something new every single day and I am so lucky to spend every single waking moment in the presence of such a gift. You have probably gathered from previous posts that sleep for me up until this current point feels like its almost non existent. I probably have been getting 4-5 hours sleep on a good night, but that’s interrupted sleep not a nice long stretch and I know I have said it countless times but it really is true that what causes the most stress on the topic is the opinions on what your baby should or shouldn’t be doing, that its your fault if your baby is a shitty sleeper AND other mums talking about how good their baby apparently slept. I’ve been stressing over sleep for weeks and today I decided to say “fk listening to all this controversial BS about sleep and that this too shall pass” followed with the action of gracefully sliding my sunny’s down my face to hide those permanent bags and gluing my fingers crossed. Research also says that mothers are excessively sleepy up until 18 weeks postpartum so hopefully I will only have one more week of this excessive sleepy business because I desperately need a shift in energy. Also I’m wondering if anyone knows when the “sleep when your baby sleeps” advice becomes invalid? I didn’t do it for the first 3 months and am now I’m regretting it because what would you know it took me 3 months to get over my stubbornness to realise I need rest to recover. Wanna know something equally as exhausting as almost non-existent sleep? Breastfeeding. So much stuff is entailed into the role like remembering to wear your breast pads- I have forgotten a number of times to wear them and I have also embarrassingly had to walk around in public with my whole shirt visibly saturated from my leaking boobs…. so now I stash sanitary pads everywhere so when I do forget to wear breast pads or if I run out they come in handy so I will never have to do the public walk of shame again. Picking out the same ugly maternity bras day in and out is also exhausting. I swear they are made to make you feel like shit. Almost all of them look like a 10 year old’s training bra and while they are comfortable they just dont accommodate a variety or shirts or set the mood right (Sorry Adam). Then there is still not having the choice of wearing just whatever the hell you want because your best friends need to constantly be making a public appearance every couple of hours, you also have to learn to get the household stuff done will a baby attached to your nipple and have to learn how to pee with your baby for those occasions… which is a skill that becomes almost 99% hands free (just don’t wear undies and air dry … TOTALLY KIDDING ). The funnest part of breastfeeding is sleeping with sheets on your bed maybe once a week because you have also completely saturated all sets of sheets by forgetting to also wear a bra and the breast pads to bed and you cannot be bothered to A. wash those sheets 5 times a week, B. make the bed these days and C. learn the lesson and wear breast pads to bed. While we are on a roll with the breast milk topic I may aswell point out that we also dont really get those Friday and Saturday nights off when the hubby is on the night shifts because your boobs are going to be so full of milk that you wake up with painful triple F’s lying in your pool of milk begging for the pump (or the baby) to release them. Also if you have a baby like mine who takes advantage of the boob for all sorts of reasons other than just to be fed you will understand and agree that there needs to be some hormone that men can take to produce boobs with milk and if there is one hook me up with the supplier. Some days are hard and its those days that you dont leave the house for a week because putting your undies on is just too exhausting. Then there is some days where you crave being bored out of your brains because your body and mind are just on non-stop. There are those days where you check your daily, weekly and monthly horoscope religiously for any sort of heads up and clues to try and be prepared for life (I actually have done this) and Then there is those days where you have pulled energy out of nowhere and have gotten a years worth of things done in one day and that feeling is like no other. It can be repetitive and tiring but it really is never boring but that baby free feeling can be exhilarating. Anyone without a baby who treats the weekly or daily grocery shopping as a chore please take advantage of it. The other day Adam took me on on this really nice half an hour relaxation retreat without Atticus….. it was to Woolworths. It was just enough to clear my mind, it smoothed out those craned muscles in my back and neck and it had me tasting that delicious freedom. Half an hour obviously is not enough so I found myself trying to waste time in paradise slowly taking my time browsing every aisle knowing full well that we only came down for chocolate and not new light bulbs, tongs and pencils. As relaxing as it was it’s also funny to point out that while you crave those tiny teases of freedom you also as a mumma look forward to coming home quickly so you can see them again because they are just so irresistible. So I’m 4 months into this gig that I entered with no instructions just like every other mumma. I have never been prouder, more challenged, happier or more exhausted in my life and it is really beyond me how I actually get up and function every single day but when you love someone more than anything else in the world you literally wouldn’t batter an eyelid if it meant you had to walk through fire for them. However the lack of sleep, the demands of breastfeeding, the stress of running the house, the world of craziness that comes with a baby, the lack of self-time, the little and mostly divided time I have with Adam and with the inability of allowing myself to take proper care of myself like simply preparing and eating healthy food or drinking 3L of water every day I have noticed that all these lacks begins to take a toll on myself so I decided that I’m going to try The Sleep mummas Happy mumma challenge because its the easiest way to give back to myself after all the above. I am yet to make time to start it but when I do we will see how it all goes.. and with that I will keep my glued fingers crossed. Also no one told me that at around four months postpartum I should expect to begin shedding like a dog. I mean come on ! With the combination of postpartum hair loss, Atticus beginning to pull my hair and the fact that my hair is already super thin its a given that eventually I will end up with no hair at all. |